


The One With the Hacking

by hawkatie



Series: The One About Steve and Bucky [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Established Relationship, Hacking, Humor, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 15:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13079517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkatie/pseuds/hawkatie
Summary: “Steve, why don’t we have a coat rack?” Bucky turned the book, which turned out to be about interior design, and showed him a page dedicated to coat rack’s.“What’s the point? We have a shoe rack and you never use that.“ Bucky scoffed, affronted, as if Steve insulted his ma, which he would never. “And you do know that hacking is illegal?” Steve asked rhetorically as he sat down beside Bucky, watching him flip through the book.Bucky tilted his head to the side and rolled his eye so hard he probably strained something.-Or Bucky commits a felony for the greater good.





	The One With the Hacking

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by the "Friends" tv show episode titles.

* * *

 

“What’s this?” Steve asked, while picking up the flyer Bucky had left on the table in plain sight.

 

“A flyer. It’s a form of advertising that people use to get whatever they’re selling across. Or sometimes just to spread the word on what-”

 

“Yeah yeah asshole, I mean why do you have a flyer on actor’s needed?” Steve cut him off, rolling his eyes.

 

“Because I was thinking of auditioning. It’s not for star roles or anything, just background fill-in’s.” Bucky supplied from the couch, snatching the flyer from his hand and reading over it.

 

“Auditioning? Buck, that’s not really lying low though.”

 

“I know but I haven’t murdered someone in six months so I didn’t think I needed to keep a low profile anymore.” Bucky simply stated.

 

“It’s not like you can’t go outside Buck but acting is-,” Steve cut himself off mid sentence and gave Bucky a weary look “wait, six months?” Bucky laughed loudly at this and rolled his eyes this time.

 

“Steve, you said to find a hobby so I’m finding one.” Bucky huffed, crossing his arms like a petulant child.

 

“Okay, hypothetically, if you apply for this role what would you even call yourself?” Bucky gave him a flat look but Steve could see the corner of his mouth upturning slowly.

 

“James Barnes.” His tone of voice was as flat as his face, with an edge of amusement creeping in.

 

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Steve asked, mirroring Bucky’s posture but not his behavior, he was  _not_ a petulant child

 

“There’s around 5,000 James Barnes’ in the US alone.”

 

“Yeah but none of them fought alongside Captain America in World War 2.” Steve shot back; trying not to sound like he thought Bucky was an idiot.

 

“Yeah” Bucky mocked, matching Steve’s tone, “but there’s also around 720 people that look like me if the quality is blurry, and since I’ll be in the background, I could be any of those 720 people.”

 

Steve scratched his head at this because Bucky did have a point.

 

“Wait, how do you know all of this?” Steve squinted his eyes.

 

“I ran a scan of my face on a database of cameras across the US and got that figure.”

 

“Where would you do something like that?” Steve placed his hands on his hips.

 

“Stark’s.”

 

“Stark’s?” Bucky nodded “Tony Stark?” Bucky nodded again. “Bucky you hate the tower, when did you even go?”

 

“I didn’t go  _to_ the tower, I just hacked into his system and regulated everything from here.” Bucky shrugged his shoulders like it wasn’t supposed to be one of the most difficult thing’s in the world – according to Stark – or that he didn’t just admit to committing a felony.

 

“Hack? You hacked into Tony’s ten, or however many, tiers of security?” Steve ran his hand through his hair, looking at Bucky in disbelief. “I didn’t know you could do that.”

 

“Yes Steve. I was tortured extensively to learn all of this so I could be useful by myself and not crumble without maintenance for more than two hours.” Steve squeezed the bridge of his nose and pressed his fingernails deep into the skin.

 

Steve breathed deeply for a few seconds to gather himself. He still wasn’t used to Bucky making offhand comments about his time with Hydra.

 

“And anyway, it wasn’t even that hard. It’s like he wants to get hacked.” Bucky murmured and started flipping through one of the coffee table books, stopping at pages to stare at them.

“Steve, why don’t we have a coat rack?” Bucky turned the book, which turned out to be about interior design, and showed him a page dedicated to coat rack’s.

 

“What’s the point? We have a shoe rack and you never use that.“ Bucky scoffed, affronted, as if Steve insulted his ma, which he would  _never_. “And you do know that hacking is illegal?” Steve asked rhetorically as he sat down beside Bucky, watching him flip through the book.

 

Bucky tilted his head to the side and rolled his eye so hard he probably strained something.

 

“Even I know that was a low blow.” He sighed heavily and placed the book down on the coffee table, picking up the art book instead.

 

“I didn’t mean it like that, Buck. It’s just,” Steve fumbled for the right words to say, “I don’t know that much about you anymore, when I used to know everything, and it knocks me on my ass sometimes, is all.”

 

Bucky patted Steve’s shoulder and gave him a small smile.

 

“I know, but where did you think I got all that money in our bank accounts from?” Bucky asked, admiring Venus’ hair in Botticelli’s ‘The Birth of Venus’. He looked over at Steve when the beat of silence lasted too long. “Y’know, the 360.5 million in our accounts?” he said to Steve’s confused face, his face all scrunched up.

 

“What the fuck?” Steve yelled in surprise. “You have 360.5 million dollars in your account?” he asked at a lower volume. Steve’s mouth gaped open like in the movies and Bucky couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“No,  _we_ have 360.5 million in Omani rial.” Bucky supplied and closed Steve’s mouth with his metal forefinger.

 

“What?”

 

“Omani rial, it’s used in Oman.”

 

“Again, what?” Bucky rolled his eyes, and then ran them along the gold detailing in Klimt’s ‘The Lady in Gold’.

 

Bucky heaved a sigh and cast Steve a disappointed look, mumbling  _uncultured swine_  under his breath, making Steve scoff.

 

“It roughly converts to 936 million dollars.” Bucky said, completely unaffected and smiled at Degas’ ballerinas.

 

Steve gaped like a fish on dry land. Bucky could feel him vibrating in his seat, paying him no attention and looking closer to the ballerina’s tutu’s.

 

Bucky flipped through the book at a sedate pace, allowing Steve to come to terms with the fact they were almost billionaires.

 

“Where did you get 936 million dollars?” Steve said, after he got enough water in his gills.

 

“Hydra. I hacked into their offshore accounts and came across one in Oman, totally normal by the way, and siphoned all of their money into various fake accounts before putting it into our joint one’s.”

 

“When did you even do this?” Steve ran his hand down his face and scratched at his rough beard.

 

“A few months ago, but I only put it into our joint account’s once we were a sure thing.”

 

“Account’s as in plural?” Bucky let out a peel of laughter, throwing his head back and laughing loud and bright. It gave Steve whiplash.

 

“Do you think I’m an idiot Steve? Of course I’m going to make sure we have more than one account in case something happens.” Bucky smiled at Steve fondly, not paying attention to the book in his lap but still flipping through it. “Because you and I both know that shit happens.” His smile soured so suddenly that Steve’s mood lowered automatically.

 

“Do all of the other accounts have this much money?”

 

“Nope, the majority of the money is housed in one account and the rest is spread across six or seven other accounts.”

 

“Fuck.” Steve leaned foreword, resting his elbows on his thighs and placed his face into his hands. “Fuck!”

 

Bucky worriedly moved his hand around the air before he placed it down on Steve’s back.

 

“You got all that money from Hydra? Why do they even have that much money?”

 

“Not all, some of the accounts were affiliated with them, some much worse.”

 

Steve swallowed roughly and looked at Bucky in concern.

 

“Worse?” he croaked out. How was that even possible?

 

“Don’t get your bonnet in a beehive, without money their operations can’t be up and running. Plus, I handed the intel over to someone, where do you think Hill has been for the past four moths? Lounging in the sun in Tenerife? No siree, she’s been sorting this shit out.” Bucky clapped Steve on the back once and then lovingly started to rub his hand in small circles.

 

Steve leaned back against the couch, trapping Bucky’s hand, and rested his head on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky opened the art book again and they flipped through it together.

 

“So” Steve broke the silence after a few minutes of them flipping mindlessly through the art book. “What were you planning to do with all this money?” Steve could feel Bucky’s metal shoulder rise slightly for a second then drop down.

 

“I don’t know. Charity seems like an obvious choice. We could draw up a plan and research the fuck out of these charities to make sure the money is going to the right people and places. I could siphon the money into the accounts afterwards, won’t take too long once I have the details.” Steve lifted his head and looked at Bucky, raising his eyebrows.

 

“Or,” Steve started, drawing out the vowel, “we could just anonymously donate so we don’t commit a felony and the money won’t seem suspicious.” Bucky gave him his most unimpressed look and rolled his eyes.

 

“Okay Mr. America.” Steve scoffed at this and slapped Bucky’s metal shoulder lightly, not because he was afraid of getting hurt, his hand was just as strong as Bucky’s metal arm.

 

“Now that’s all settled, how about dinner? I could hack into-” he stopped when Steve gave him  _his_  most unimpressed face, and laughed loudly, “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. You should see your face!”

 

“I fucking swear Bucky.” Bucky laughed harder at this and collapsed into Steve’s lap, bright and loud. Steve couldn’t help himself and let out a laugh, running his hand through Bucky’s hair and letting a soft smile cover his face.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback appreciated :)
> 
> Artwork mentioned:  
> [Sandro Botticelli's The Birth of Venus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Birth_of_Venus#/media/File:Sandro_Botticelli_-_La_nascita_di_Venere_-_Google_Art_Project_-_edited.jpg)  
> [Gustav Klimt's The Lady in Gold](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portrait_of_Adele_Bloch-Bauer_I#/media/File:Gustav_Klimt_046.jpg)  
> [Edgar Degas' Ballerina's](https://www.edgar-degas.org/the-complete-works.html)


End file.
